What Really Happened Behind the Legend
by dullahan1
Summary: This is just a messed up story of what happened to Link during Ocarina of Time. Expect random character appearances from different places and just plain weird stuff. Please R
1. The Woods

**A/N: I know many people have done the whole parody of ocarina of time, but this story I'm doing is originally a comic I started doing a few years ago. I'm not able to scan it up to the net so creating it as a story is the next best thing. Hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Do I own Zelda or Master Roshi, but one day I shall try!**

Chapter 1: The Woods

Once upon a time, since that is how most stories are told from the beginning, there was a beautiful forested that existed among the eastern side of a grand country known as Hyrule. No one outside of the forest knew anything of the mythical, well mysterious, creatures that existed within the realm of the forest. This lush forest, known as the Kokiri Forest, was home to many small fairies and to a number of children who mysteriously never grew up and always wore green. Each child and fairy was watched over by the guardian of the forest, a giant talking tree. Yeah, you read right, it talks. Now every child in the forest was watched over by a fairy that protected that child. Or molested them, you choose. But, there was one child who did not have a fairy… but we will hit up on that in a minute. First of all, we'll check up on something more interesting! The talking tree!

Now this talking tree, also known as the great Deku Tree, was suffering horrible pains. But the pain of the tree did not concern the inhabitants of the forest one bit. Oh no. It was countless complaints and over exaggerated screams he emitted from the pain. He would never shut up! He would complain for days at a time forcing all the children, known as the Kokiri, and the fairies to find a shop that sold earplugs because he was just too loud. Sadly, there were none…

One day, a blue fairy by the name of Navi, decided to go and try to shut up the evil tree. The Deku Tree, knowing all since he is really smart, knew of her plan and decided to distract her. As she approached, the Deku Tree started up…again.

"Oh… a horrible curse has smitten me Navi", he complained.

"Yea", responded Navi, "about that, I just…"

"OH!" interrupted the complaining tree. " I have been cursed. Ooo. It hurts. Please make it stop!"

The fairy tried again. "Oh Deku…"

"OWWWW!" interrupted the Deku Tree once more. "I have been cursed by an evil king from thee west. I havest one request, fine Navi. OW! Fulfill it and I'll try to shut up a little more."

Navi brightened up. "Hey! Are you for real? I'll do anything!"

"OWWWWW! I mean good", responded the Deku Tree. " I want you to summon the boy without a fairy…OW…to come forth to me. He is the only one who hast not heard my tale of misery and woe. Bring him here and let him hear me complain."

Navi, wondering why this boy never heard the evil tree complain because he was so stinking loud, set off to find this boy so the forest could maybe once again rest in peace.

Meanwhile, this fairyless boy, a blonde boy dressed in a green tunic with radiant blue eyes and about the age of ten, also known as Link, somehow gained access to cable and a television set. He had his program so blaring loud that he could not have possibly heard the complaints of the annoying tree. Around his room, which was inside a tree, (all the other kokiri had huts cause they had fairies!) was full of sexy female model posters that he got from who knows where. Link, though, had his eyes glued to a TV program, but not just any TV program. Oh no! He was watching the best show in the whole world! **MASTER ROSHI SAYS!**

"Welcome back!" said the bald old man with the cool shades in the TV. "Today, I'll talk about how to flirt with babes!"

"Yes!" said Link. "Now I'll know how to flirt with Saria!"

Just then, a blue ball of light flew in to the tree house unknown to Link. This ball of light was of course Navi because she was ready to get this quest over with and wanted a good night's sleep. She stared over at Link, who had his eyes glued to the vulgar program while receiving tips from the perverted old hermit on how to pick up chicks. Navi then knew what she had to do. She picked up the remote that was conveniently located far from Link and turned off the TV.

Link, coming back into reality just stared at the blank screen. "Who turned off my show?"

Navi, taking advantage of this moment to get his attention decided to get up in his face.

"You've been summoned by the great…" she started.

"Blah blah", said Link in his 'I don't care' attitude as Navi was once again interrupted.

"Move out of my way!" shouted an angry Link.

Navi, not wanting to let him go, thought of something quick.

"But I'm your fairy!" sputtered Navi, not realizing how this was going to affect her future.

_Hey!_ thought Link, _If I have a fairy, Saria will be impressed!_

"Okay, let's go!" said Link as they started to leave.

Right outside of his oh-so-special tree house stood one of Link's childhood friends. This friend was a ten-year-old girl in green, just like everyone else, with bright blue eyes and shoulder length green, yes green hair. Her name was Saria. With her was a fairy who shall remain nameless because the fairy is an unimportant character.

"Hey Link!" waved Saria.

_Oh no!_ thought Link. _It's Saria! What would Roshi do?_

"Heh heh heh!" came the imaginative voice of the perverted old coot in Link's mind.

"To impress a girl", said Roshi, "first, make sure she has a great bod, and second, call her a babe! Heh heh heh!"

Link then snapped back into reality as Saria noticed link's fairy.

"Wow! You got a fairy!" she exclaimed.

As she said more random pointless stuff to Link since that is what all the girls in the forest do, Link started checking Saria out to see if she had a 'great bod' and gave no notice to Saria's incoherent babbling.

Saria noticed Link not listening to her and questioned his behavior.

"What are you doing?"

"Uh… nothing babe!" Link responded. He just completed step two in Master Roshi's greatest plan!

"Were you uhh…" Saria started to question, wanting to know what Link was up to.

"…Staring at your boobs?" said Link, finishing her question. "Yea!"

"YOU PERV!" shouted Saria a she beat the living daylights out of the stupid blond.

"What an idiot," mumbled Navi.

After beating Link up to a bloody pulp, Saria marched off in a huffy rage with her nameless fairy.

Navi, wanting to be annoying, decided to remind Link of this great quest.

"C'mon," she said with great encouragement. "We have to go to the Deku Tree!"

"No!" huffed Link as he was way too mad to do anything since his heart, along with his other organs, was crushed.

Navi thought for a moment about this situation and thought of a brilliant idea. Well, it was brilliant to her because she is too self-centered.

"Saria will be impressed," she said nudging Link.

Suddenly, Link's blue eyes burned with a fire that would have burned the forest down if not for the existence of Smokey the Bear.

"Okay!" he cheered.

They started to make their way to the other side of the forest to see the Deku Tree when a ten-year old red headed boy, Mido, and his fairy blocked these adventurers.

"You can't enter!" claimed Mido. "You need a sword and shield! DUH!"

Link, getting very mad at this insult, pushed Mido down.

"Don't 'DUH' me punk!" he replied angrily.

"You freak!" shouted Mido, but then he started thinking of something quick to get link away because he did not want to get knocked down again. Mido then remembered of Link's unhealthy obsession over Saria because everyone in the forest who was hip had knowledge of this.

Mido nervously pointed in the direction of the forest training center.

"Uhh…," he muttered, "if you go over there to get the sword, Saria…"

"SARIA!" shouted Link as he ran to the training center because he knew if Saria's name was mentioned about the place, he just had to be there.

At the training center, Link stood in front of a nameless kokiri and his nameless fairy.

"The sword is in that hole in a treasure chest," said the nameless dude pointing to a hole in the wall next to him.

"I ain't going in some freakin' hole!" complained Link.

"Thought you wanted to impress Saria", said the guy since he was hip and knew of Link's obsession with Saria.

Link, wanting to impress Saria, even though she wasn't there, wasn't about to back out of this one if this was for his beloved. So like the obsessed moron he is, he crawled into the hole and wound up on the other side. All seemed clear, so he started upon the path towards the treasure chest. That is when he heard a loud rumbling behind him.

"Is that your stomach?" asked Link as he turned around.

Not only did he see Navi who had had a very filling breakfast that morning, but he also saw a boulder of abnormal proportions rolling towards him.

AHHHHH!" screamed link like a pansy as he ran away making many turns and twists, but unfortunately for him, so did the boulder.

Seven hours passed before Link emerged back on the other side of the hole with his brand spanking new sword. Oh, and he was mortally wounded too.

"Now… for… the shield," Link managed to say.

So he walked up to a conveniently located shop in the forest.

"Ya'll got any earplugs?" asked Navi to the shopkeeper.

"Fresh out," said the ten-year old shopkeeper. He may have looked ten, but he was very mature for his age.

"We do, however, have this slammin' new shield. One of a kind! Made of titanium metal that can protect you from pretty much anything! But…it's pretty pricey."

"Darn," mumbled Link, "I'm broke."

Link then looked in the corner and saw a chunk of wood. _Hmm… not titanium but it should get the job done._ He thought.

"How much for the piece of tree in the corner?" asked Link.

"Uhh…what?" asked the shopkeeper, but before he knew, link and the chunk of wood were gone.

"Man," said the shopkeeper, "I was going to use that wood to fix the hole in my roof…"

Link started heading to where Mido was chilling out because he is all that.

"Hey Mido", smiled Link evilly. "I got a sword and shield."

Mido stared at Link, and being the pansy he thought he was, ran away screaming "Link is going to kill me with his sword! HELP!"

Link and Navi ignored Mido and decided to continue.

"Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey!" shouted Navi to Link since she hasn't been annoying for a while.

"Shut your freakin' hole you turd!" shouted Link to the evil blue ball of light.

"Ahh!" said the Deku Tree as the two approached him. "Thou OW! Hast returned."

"Yes I have," responded Navi.

"Thou? Hast-uh?" questioned Link, not having knowledge of this foreign language.

"Link. I have to tell ye something of vast importance." Said the huge talking piece of wood.

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed the first chapter of my first story. Please read and review. If you liked it, I'll try to update as much as I can. I'm still working on my comic story too. By the way, this is my first story but I want you to know that you don't have to go nice on me just because it is. Just pray I can have enough dedication to finish this story through. Thanks for taking your time to read this.**


	2. A Tree's Dinner?

A/N: Welcome to chapter 2! Thanks to those of ya'll who have reviewed and I promise that the story shall get better as I continue… SO! Just read this and enjoy fools!

Chapter 2: A Tree's Dinner?

Previously: We last left a poor blond boy with a complaining talking tree. Let us see how this will turn out.

"Ooooh…. Link, I have to tell ye something of vast importance," the Deku Tree complained.

Navi and Link just stood there and stared at the Deku Tree for about ten minutes in silence as they waited for him or she or it to continue…

"WAAAAAAAHHHHH!" screeched the Deku Tree, shattering everyone's eardrums within a hundred mile radius and somehow formed tears from his nonexistent eyes. "I WANT MY MOMMY! YOU MUST STOP THIS PAINFUL CURSE FROM SPREADING! IT HURTS ME SO SO MUCH! IF YOU STOP THIS LINK I'LL…"

"Give me Saria as my bride?" questioned Link whose eyes turned to hearts as he interrupted the Deku Tree before he/she/it could finish whining.

"Uhh…." mumbled the Deku Tree as he was trying to gain his composure.

"I'll do it!" yelled Link as he jumped up and punched the air before the Deku Tree could even come up with a response. Of course Link happily agreed only because he thought he was doing this for Saria even though she beat him up earlier. But he could forgive her for that. Right? Well DUH! He is completely oblivious.

"Then enter brave soul," said the Deku Tree interrupting my thought process as he opened his mouth large and wide. "Cause I don't want to die!"

A foul stench reeked through the forest once the tree somehow opened his mouth. How he was talking with it closed earlier was beyond me.

"Ewwww. Gross!" exclaimed Link as he waved his hand in front of nose to divert the smell of rotting wood. _When was the last time he had a breath mint? _Thought Link.

Navi, knowing Link would not go in there without the proper motivation just smiled a little bit as she looked at Link.

"Saria will think you're brave…"

Suddenly, a track of smoke appeared from where Link was standing and led into the tree's mouth. _Dang thought_ Navi._ Boy sure is easy to order around with the right motivation._

"Uhh…you gonna go in too Navi?" questioned the Deku Tree to the fairy.

"No," said Navi bluntly.

"But you said you were his guardian fairy. I know because I hear all."

"Dang it!" complained Navi. "Me and my big mouth!"

Of course we all know how much her mouth causes problems for everyone else, but today it was her problem so she slowly flew into the Deku Tree to meet up with Link.

The inside of the Deku Tree was not what it should have been. No, it did not look like the inside of a mouth. Instead, our heroes found themselves in a humungous circular room filled with platforms, doors, ladders that lead up to those platforms, spider webs about a thousand feet high, and of course, a huge spider web covering a hole in the center of the room. Now Link's stomach started acting up on him because he had not used the bathroom since he left his house that morning. Meanwhile, Navi noticed a treasure chest a little bit away on top of a platform.

_I think I need to poo_ thought Link as his stomach started to trouble him a little.

"Hey! Look! Listen!" exclaimed Navi very annoyingly to Link because she has to be like that. "There is a treasure chest a little ways from here!"

_Ohhhh…I need to poo._

Link, of course followed Navi because he had no idea where else to go.

So they climbed up the ladder to the platform.

_I really need to poo._

They made their way to the chest.

"There could be anything inside that chest!" exclaimed Navi annoyingly.

_Please be toilet paper_ thought Link as he moaned towards the chest. He wasn't worried about finding gold and silver or the lost treasure of some pirates. He just wanted to relieve himself.

So…Link opened the treasure chest as a piece of paper flew overhead.

"**YOU GOT THE TREASURE MAP!"** Said an anonymous voice from nowhere.

Link paid no attention to the voice and grabbed the map quickly.

"Toilet paper!" he screamed and ran off to some unknown part of the inside of the tree so nobody could watch him.

"Link, that's not toilet…" started Navi but was interrupted by some heavy breathing. She turned around to see a hungry looking plant known as a Deku Baba eying her for dinner.

"HELP!" screamed Navi since she couldn't defend herself as she was but a weak fairy.

"Let me pull up my tunic first!" said Link a bit angrily.

"Uhh…Link?" said Navi frantically as she tried to back away from the hungry plant.

"All done!" said Link tossing away his poo stained treasure map behind him. Luckily, well unluckily for the plant, the Deku Baba somehow wound up with a poo stained treasure map for dinner instead of Navi as the tossed piece of paper landed in its mouth. Because of this, the Deku Baba killed over and died.

"What I miss?" Link asked Navi as he returned from relieving himself.

Navi ignored him and looked at another platform next to them that was within jumping distance.

"Jump over there!" said Navi, trying to force Link to do her bidding.

"Shut up! You talk too much!" said Link angrily as his emotions changed quickly like a woman during pregnancy.

"I'm sor…" started Navi.

"Quiet or I'll kill you!" threatened Link as he took out his brand spankin' new sword.

Navi just fluttered away and followed Link from a distance.

Link jumped to the platform anyways. He would have done it no matter what but he hated being bossed around, especially by a jabbering fairy.

Link noticed something crawling amongst the webs among the wall. They looked like spiders except with skulls on their backs.

"Ooooh. Spider!" said Link in a happy mood since being angry was so ten seconds ago.

As he reached his left hand out to touch one, it bit him, leaving his hand bleeding.

Link started to cry since he was so over being happy.

"That's it!" He cried. "This place is scary! I'm leaving."

Then Navi got an idea. She got a wonderful awful idea. _Since Link was mean to me. I'll be mean to him. Since he is so scared now, I'll make it worse._

Navi snuck up behind Link quietly as he continued to whine.

"BOO!" screamed Navi, making Link pee himself and screaming like a little schoolgirl. He ran down the platform into the nearest room. As he entered, the door slammed shut and bars covered the door, preventing his escape from the room.

"A…ghost…here…" Link said terrified.

"Uhh…," said Navi always wanting to state the obvious. "Did you notice that we are locked in?"

"AHHHHHH! THE GHOST WILL GET US HERE!" Link screamed at the top of his lungs.

"There is no ghost you fool! It was only me trying to scare you!" said an angry Navi. "Heh. You should have seen the look on your face. And you peed yourself. Priceless."

"But we're trapped!" said a terrified Link! "I don't want to live in a tree for the rest of my life!"

Navi was about to tell him he had been doing it for ten years but decided to let it go.

That was when her keen eyes notice a switch on the floor at the end of the ledge at where they were standing.

"Hey!" said Navi in that annoying high-pitched voice that we all loathe. "If you step on that switch Link, something good may happen."

Link knew anything was better than being trapped so he stepped on the switch and three platforms rose out in front of the ledge leading to another ledge which housed yet another treasure chest.

"Jump over there using those platforms to get to the chest!" screeched Navi. Yes, she screeched.

"Well," said Link going from calm mode to pansy mode. "This is a bit scary so I'm doing it with my eyes closed."

He started running the wrong way so Navi decided to be nice for once. So she grabbed him by the hat and started to carry him to the chest. That was when she remembered that she could only power lift five pounds and dropped Link on the ground near the chest. Navi of course had his hat because she didn't really drop him. His hat just slipped off.

Link opened his eyes, covered in bruises and dirt. "I made it!" He said gleefully. "Wait a minute… I feel bald," said Link touching his head. "Where's my hat?"

He then looked up at Navi. "Give me my hat you flying blue golf ball!" he yelled to the evil fairy. She reluctantly dropped the hat, but Link didn't care. He just could not live without his favorite hat.

He started to eye the chest lustfully.

"Please make me rich!" he said excitedly as he opened up the chest.

"**YOU GOT A COMPASS!"** said the mysterious voice once again as Link's cool levitation powers allowed him to hold the compass up.

"Aww sweet!" said Link eyeing the compass. "A new shield! This is better than my hunk of wood!" And with that, he tossed his wooden shield aside.

"That's not a new…" started Navi as a flying piece of driftwood smacked her upside the head.

"Now to get out of here," Link said heroically.

Somehow, he made it to the other side and stared at the barred door.

"How do I get out of here?" Link questioned as he saw a Deku Baba in front of him.

"Yes, some blood," said Link as he got battle ready with his sword and…compass.

Navi was about to rant about how impossible it was for plants to bleed while she carried Link's old shield, but she did not want to miss this amazing battle. Even though a fight between a kid and a plant is pretty pathetic. _Good thing the enemy is weak because from what I have seen, Link is a total wuss._ Navi thought._ Actually, I may just sleep through the fight. I would be worse off watching this sorry scuffle._

"Here I go!" screamed Link as he charged at the plant.

So, will Link be able to defeat the Deku Baba with the Kokiri Sword and a… compass for a shield? Please Review and I'll update as soon as I'm able to, But only if you review! Mwahahaha! I love cliffhangers. Next chapter shall be entitled: The Fundamentals of Slingshots.


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